All's Fair In The Hogwarts Corridors
by ricetard
Summary: or, In Which Every Character In Harry Potter Sucks  Except For Harry, Hermione and Snape ; or, The Evils of Dumbledore's Twinkling Eyes. Multiple pairings. Parody/crack.


**Some of this reflects what I actually don't like, some of it doesn't. Regardless, just the most stereotypical things I could remember from the top of my head XD**

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><p>Harry was walking through Hogwarts, holding Ginny's hand. He was thinking about how he wanted to break up with her because he sort of had the revelation he was gay - but not really. He just didn't really like Ginny. Yet he was holding her hand.<p>

Ginny giggled all of a sudden, and fluttered her eyelashes at Harry in an overtly feminine, not-really-Ginny-like way. "Harry," she said, peering up at him through her layers of mascara, eyeshadow, eyeglitter, and blush and lipstick even though they weren't on her eyes (but really, a girl could only wear so much makeup.) "We should have sex tonight."

Harry's eyes widened as the idea of sticking his dick in something of... _Ginny's_ran through his brain. He shuddered.

"Er, actually, er, Ginny," he stuttered. "I was just thinking of breaking up with you! We should break up!"

Ginny pouted and all of sudden looked a bit like a chimera, only slightly more frightening and slutty. She tugged her super duper miniskirt up - which was strange because Hogwarts students were only supposed to be wearing Hogwarts robes - and her super low cut shirt down over her boobs which were sort of spilling out from the top. Perhaps she was trying to turn Harry on, even though he had just broken up with her.

"Fine!" she said, bursting into tears and reminding Harry horribly of Cho. "I was cheating on you, anyways! With every boy in the school!"

"She was," said Zacharias Smith from the side, reaching over to pinch Ginny's arse.

Ginny giggled through her tears, and then glared at Harry again. "Well I'm going to go to Dean, since you're such a horrible boyfriend. Maybe _he_won't break up with me!"

She stormed away. Harry considered telling her that Dean was cheating on her with Seamus, who was cheating on _him_ with Blaise Zabini, who was cheating on _him_with just about everyone in the school. But everyone knew that.

Luckily, just as Ginny ran out of the corridor, Draco Malfoy came out of nowhere. Harry spluttered upon seeing him.

"_Malfoy_," he snarled, thinking about the blond's soft pink lips and utterly completely stormy grey eyes.

"Potter," Malfoy said ferociously back, eyeing Harry's mouth. All of a sudden, his Hogwarts robes disappeared and he was wearing nothing but a sexy blue button-down and completely black leather trousers.

Harry did his best to continue glaring, but his gaze quickly dropped down to Malfoy's trousers. "Malfoy... is that _leather_?" He knew he was salivating at this point.

The blond in all his blondiness with the blondest hair Harry had ever blondily seen, blushed seven hundred sixty-five shades of pink, which looked quite nice on his pale skin. "I don't know where it came from," Malfoy confessed, looking up at Harry through his eyelashes, quite adorably so and much more attractive than Ginny Weasley had ever been.

Harry grinned and moved toward Malfoy for a kiss; but just as their lips met, there was a loud shout around the corridor.

"MALFOY!"

Harry and Malfoy wrenched apart from each other, and both turned to see that Ron Weasley had just come to this part of the castle, pointing at Malfoy with his wand and looking more pissed than Winky on Butterbeer.

"CRUCIO!" Ron cried, swishing his wand around and aiming straight for Malfoy's chest.

Malfoy screamed and convulsed, and Ron watched on with an evil glint in his eye. Harry ran over to Ron to stop him.

"Ron! Ron! What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?" Harry cried, looking to his boyfriend - although whenever Malfoy had randomly become his boyfriend, he didn't quite know - before turning back to his best friend for seven (or eight years; it depended if you were writing an 8th year EWE fic or not) who currently had Draco Malfoy under the Unforgivable Cruciatus Curse.

"He kissed you, Harry! He kissed you!" said Ron, who apparently hadn't noticed that _both_Harry and Draco (hey wait, when did Harry ever start thinking of Malfoy as Draco?) had initiated that kiss that he had happened to stumble upon seeing.

"Yeah, well I kissed him back!" shouted Harry.

Ron lifted up the curse and turned to Harry, rage in his eyes.

"You... You _KISSED_ HIM BACK?" he roared. Harry had a brief feeling that he would realize what it would feel like on the end of a capslock!rage for the first time, like he had done back in fifth year. "HARRY POTTER! HOW _COULD_ YOU? YOU BETRAYED ME! YOU'RE THE WORST FRIEND EVER! YOU'VE SAVED MY LIFE MULTIPLE TIMES AND I SACRIFICED MY LIFE WHEN I WAS ELEVEN FOR YOU, AND WE'VE BEEN BEST FRIENDS FOR THE PAST SEVEN (OR EIGHT YEARS) AND NOW YOU'RE JUST THROWING IT ALL AWAY FOR THIS BLOND, EVIL, MEAN, MUGGLE-HATING, GINGER-HATING, STUCK-UP, EGOISTIC, FERRETY _FERRET_! THIS IS THE WORST THING YOU'VE EVER DONE! EVEN THOUGH I'VE RUN AWAY FROM YOU AND HERMIONE BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO SHAG MY BEST FRIEND, AND EVEN THOUGH BACK IN FOURTH YEAR I THOUGHT YOU WERE BEING A STUCK-UP GIT WHEN I WAS THE ONE BEING THE PRAT, YOU'VE DONE THE WORST THING OUT OF ALL OF US! YOU KISSED _MALFOY_!"

Ron was completely red in the face - redder than a tomato, than a cherry, than the Hogwarts Express, you name it - when he was done. He also looked like he was nearly out of air.

Harry had covered his ears the entire time. Malfoy had fainted.

"Are you done?" Harry asked tiredly, bringing his hands down from beside his head.

Ron glowered at him. "I don't want to speak to you. _Ever again._For the rest of my life. I'll never forgive you, Harry," he said. "This is completely unforgivable."

"Well yeah, I sort of figured that when you said you wouldn't ever forgive me," Harry said dryly.

"And I'm going to go to Hermione and make sure she's never going to talk to you ever again, even though she probably won't listen to me and come over to you and say I'm being stupid and that I'll come around some day, and then she's going to get all buddy-buddy with Malfoy and call him _Draco_even when he calls her a Mudblood, and - "

"Oh Ron, there you are!" said Hermione, coming out of nowhere.

"Speak of the devil," Harry muttered to himself.

"Ron, I've just decided that I love you," said Hermione. "And I don't think it'll ever work out between us."

She frowned. "Wait, I don't think that makes any sense... I meant," she said, looking up at Ron again. "I really do love you all my life and you should propose to me right now, and that's why we should break up."

Harry walked behind her hesitantly. "Herm," he said (or, "'Mione," if you prefer), "are you feeling all right?"

"I don't know!" Hermione wailed. "Most of fandom can't make up their damn minds if they hate me with Ron or like me with Ron! This is so confusing!"

"You know what's confusing?' said Malfoy all of a sudden. Apparently he had woken up from being unconscious. "If you're supposed to bottom or top most of the time."

"Bottom," said Ron, while Harry and Hermione said, "Top," at the same time.

The four of them looked among each other, the Golden Trio plus Draco who would soon break up their Three Musketeers-ness and thus become such a huge part of their life.

"Well, this is awkward..."

The awkwardness was broken when yet another person came around the corner. It was Albus Dumbledore, humming to himself and looking positively evil. And alive.

"Professor!" said Ron, who liked all things Light and Good.

"Ah, Ronald," said Professor Dumbledore, smiling down wickedly at Ron with his blue eyes twinkling like they had never twinkled before. "I'm so glad to see that you are doing well. The Light side has won, yes?"

Ron nodded rapidly, for he knew that everything _he_did was Light and Good as well, because the world was split up into the Light and the Dark side and if you weren't on the Dark side, you were on the Light side.

"Yeah," he said to Professor Dumbledore, "but Harry's having an affair with Draco Malfoy, sir, and I'm afraid that he's going to go to the Dark side because of this and not be Light anymore - "

"Oh?" Dumbledore looked around and laid his eyes on Harry. His blue eyes twinkled with even more evilness than usual. "Well Harry, while I support gay relationships and all, I really need to use you for another one of my plans - "

"Don't even think about it, _Albus_," Harry hissed. "You're an evil, evil old man because all you do is use me and think you're doing _good_! But maybe I don't _want_ to be used and you're just using me for your 'Greater Good' shit and don't actually care about me, even though you interrupted my super huge capslock!rage back in fifth year to say that you cared about me too much. You never really _did_care, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, and you never will! And I will never forgive you!"

Dumbledore shook his head sadly, and then imploded right on the spot.

The golden trio plus Draco, the Icy Slytherin Prince of the Snakes, stared at the place where Dumbledore had been standing before.

"Well," said Draco cheerfully, glancing up at the Golden Trio. "I really must get going now. I have a load of Hufflepuffs to shag. I already shagged all of the Slytherins and Ravenclaws, and even all the Gryffindors!"

"Including me?" said Ron, looking surprised.

Draco grinned. "_Especially_you, my ginger love of doom." He turned away and left the corridor

Luna Lovegood suddenly fell from the sky, the moment Draco was gone. Then she disappeared. Her presence made every story better, anyways.

Then Remus and Sirius appeared. (Wait, thought Harry. Weren't they dead?)

"Guess what?" said Remus happily.

"We're lovers!" said Sirius.

Hermione scoffed. "Well everyone knew that."

"Yup. Well, just thought I'd let you know," said Sirius, and then they disappeared just as quickly as Luna (and Draco. And Dumbledore, too, now that we're mentioning it) had.

"Well," said Ron, turning to his two best friends in the entire world. "I'm going to go to the dorm and punch the living daylights out of my pillow because I _can't_believe you're seeing that Slytherin prat, Harry - "

"You only saw us kiss!"

" - and my girlfriend approves of their relationship. No, you didn't have to say it," said Ron, glowering when Hermione opened up her mouth. "I could tell."

He stalked out of the corridor as well. Harry and Hermione were left alone.

"So..." said Harry, turning to his second best friend. "Wanna snog?"

"Good idea," said Hermione, and they started kissing each other passionately.

Then Snape came around the corridor, startling them both.

"What is with people just randomly _appearing_today?" Harry groaned.

Snape looked at Hermione and Harry, faintly surprised.

"What are you two ruffians doing here?" he spat, pointedly not looking into Harry's eyes because they were exactly like his mother's, the dear Lily Evans(-Potter) whom Snape had been so madly in love with.

"We're snogging," said Hermione cheerfully. "Want to join us? We can have lots of intelligent and academic conversations together, and speak in awesome sophisticated language."

"Yeah, and we can get into a lot of fights and have hot make up sex afterwards," Harry added.

Snape looked between the two of them. Then he shrugged.

"Sure. Why not?"


End file.
